Attack of those guys who look like storm troopers
by Dincristiel
Summary: Do I worship George Lucas? No. But I'm sure he won't mind if I rewrite the script for him....
1. Part One

WARNING: Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery for a full year after viewing. The underlined and bold stands for titles or names. The italic stands for actions or info. I'll let you try and guess what the regular type stands for.

**STAR WARS: ATTACK OF THOSE GUYS WHO LOOK LIKE STORMTROOPERS**

_The theatre is booming with excitement as the people gather to watch the new Star Wars movie on the first day_

**Audience:**

Despite how horribly the last Star Wars turned out, there's no doubt this won't be the best movie ever!

_A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, we find Queen…er…Senator Amidala's ship_

**Amidala/decoy's Guard:**

Let me take orders from you as if I wouldn't be able to recognize you.

**Amidala/Decoy:**

Bite me.

_The CGI ship lands in CGI city_

**Guard from the other ship:**

That went rather well. I don't see what could possibly go wro….

_KABOOM!!!_

**Audience:**

Holy crap!

**Amidala:**

Oh no! Don't die…uhh…whatever your name is

**Amidala/Decoy/Whatever her name is:**

It's okay, the audience already forgot it too.

_Not bothering to send help for the people who are STILL ALIVE, Amidala and her guard flee_

**Amidala:**

But why would anyone want to kill me?

**Audience:**

Perhaps that little war in the last movie had something to do with it.

_Amidala ignores the audience and decides to find safety in the company of…uhhh…Senator Palpatine?_

**Senator Palpatine:**

Pop quiz, hot shot: You're standing in front of an obviously evil guy who will in time kill your future husband while attempting to kill your future son. What do you do? What-do-you-do?

**Amidala:**

Oooh! Is my future husband cute?

**Senator Palpatine:**

_smacks his forehead_

Oi!

_Meanwhile, we join our beloved heroes Obi-Wan and Anakin_

**Obi-wan:**

Everything I say will be ironic and humorous

**Anakin:**

And I'll just stand here looking cute

_Female audience drools_

**Male audience:**

_coughs_pretty boy!_coughs_

**Obi-wan:**

Say Anakin, how's about we drop by Amidala's pad and see how she's doin?

**Anakin:**

I've thought about her every day for the past ten years….but I'm not obsessed!

**Audience:**

Stalker!

_Anakin begins to freak out as they get closer to Amidala's pad._

**Amidala:**

Hey there! How about I downgrade you to the humiliating nickname of Ani?

**Anakin:**

I love you!…I mean, it's nice to see you again

**Some guy****:**

I bet she's changed since the last time you saw her

**Anakin:**

Oh yes, I shall spout a sappy cliché about how beautiful she's gotten

**Audience:**

_cringing_ No Anakin, no. Down. Heel.

**Amidala:**

You'll always be that little boy I knew on Tatooine 

**Audience:**

Oooh! Diss!

_Amidala goes to sleep. And everyone leaves while Anakin and Obi-wan chill outside her room._

**Anakin:**

It'll be okay if we hang out here. R2's in there

**R2-D2:**

…Zzzzzzzzz…

_About a block away, our favorite bounty hunter's dad hires someone else to do his job_

**Bounty Hunter:**

Hey, let's creep out the audience and kill her with bugs!

**Bounty Huntress/Shape Shifter/Thing:**

Sure thing

**Audience:**

Why don't you just shoot Amidala?

**Bounty Hunter:**

No, those Jedi dudes would pick it up on their built in radar

**Audience:**

But they won't pick up the killer bugs?

_Meanwhile, back at Amidala's pad……_

**Anakin:**

I've been dreaming…

**Audience:**

Oh God…

**Anakin:**

…about my mother…

**Audience:**

whew!

**Anakin:**

….but I'd rather dream about Amidala. Why am I dreaming about my mother?

**Audience:**

Your mother's a slave who works for Watto the Amazing Elephant Fly

**Obi-wan:**

The force works in mysterious ways

**The Force:**

What do I have to do? Hit this kid with a bat? Go find your mother you freak!

**Anakin:**

Oh well, it's probably nothing

_The Bounty Huntress/Shape Shifter/Thing plants the bugs in Amidala's room and they take their sweet time getting to her_

**Audience:**

Hurry up!

**R2-D2:**

Wait, I thought I heard something!

**Audience:**

_We_ didn't even hear anything.

_Just as the bugs are about to kill Amidala, Anakin bursts into the room and kills them with his lightsaber. It's really cool_.

_Just as the bug dispenser is about to fly away, Obi-Wan bursts through the window and grabs it. It's really stupid._

**Obi-Wan:**

I'm pretty sure this thing will be able to hold me

**Anakin:**

Wait here, I'll go get my car

_Anakin takes his time finding a hover car, then rescues Obi-Wan. The audience wonders where Ani learned how to drive, and while we're at it, where the entire city learned how to drive. They find the Bounty Huntress/Shape shifter/Thing_

**Bounty Huntress/Shape shifter/Thing:**

Well crap, gotta run…

_The token car chase begins, and it takes FOREVER. Then Anakin decides he needs to jump out of the car to catch her._

**Audience:**

I guess the Force told him to do it

**The Force:**

Don't look at me, I didn't say anything

**Obi-Wan:**

I'll say something to make you guys assume that he's done this many times before

**Audience:**

And on what other occasions has he been given that opportunity?

_Anakin lands on the Bounty Huntress/Shape Shifter/Thing's car and while he hangs on for dear life the audience observes the Shape Shifter's bad aim with her gun_

**Bounty Huntress/Shape Shifter/Thing:**

Hey!

_Finally, the audience is given whiplash as the action comes to a complete stop_

**Audience:**

Oh goody! A bar.

_The bar looks like someone shoved the 1970's, 80's, and 90's into a blender and pressed frappe_

**Obi-Wan:**

Anakin, you go find the thing that's trying to kill us while I get a drink

_Anakin finds the Bounty Huntress/Shape Shifter/Thing, cuts off her arm,  and we end up outside_

**Anakin:**

Who do you work for!?!

**Obi-Wan:**

Down boy! Down!

**Audience:**

Act boy! Act!

**Bounty Huntress/Shape Shifter/Thing:**

Heck, I have no loyalties to anyone, the guy who hired me was….

_Our favorite bounty hunter's dad kills the Shape Shifter in the nick of time. Thus ends the short cameo of one of the cooler characters_

A/N: I shall end it here and update later. Why? Because I'm the author, I'm tired, and I can do it that's why. Let me know what you think, reviews rock!


	2. Part Two

Disclaimer: Who in their right minds would think that I owned Star Wars?

**Obi-wan:**

Ahh, now it is time to divide the movie in two, hope you folks don't mind. 

**Yoda:**

Aware of Amidala's feelings, I am not. Obsess over you, Anakin will.

**Amidala:**

Ah, crap.

**Yoda:**

Question, I have. Where did I get my accent from?

_We now go to Amidala's pad, yet again, to watch her pack one of her four-dozen outfits_

**Anakin:**

I love you

**Amidala:**

I'm going to ignore the obvious

**Anakin:**

I still love you

**Amidala:**

La la la…I can't hear you

**Anakin:**

Did I mention I love you…oh yeah, that and the Republic sucks

**Amidala:**

_Gasp! _ How can you say such a thing?

**Anakin:**

It's obvious I know nothing about how the Republic works. Here, let me show off and float this ball. _Grrr! _ Obi-wan is such a jerk! Gah!

**Amidala**:

How do you think the Republic should be run?

**Anakin:**

Maybe for once in their lives they should make an actual decision

**Amidala:**

Not everyone agrees Anakin, duh.

**Anakin:**

Someone should make them agree

**Audience:**

I feel a disturbance in the force. Do I sense foreshadowing?

****

**Anakin:**

I could make them do it

**Amidala:**

How would you manage that?

**Anakin:**

Choke hold with my mind work with you?

Well, enough of THAT scene. We now move on to Obi-wan going to an incredibly modern diner to meet a creepy friend of his who knows all about bad-guy gadgets and yet for some reason is working in a diner

**CGI Diner Owner:**

I'm fat, hideously ugly, creepy and my diner is way too modern. Actually, if you think about it, Lucas could have picked a random diner from New York and the audience wouldn't have known the difference 

_Obi-wan learns something that supposedly is advancing the plot, but Lucas neglects to realize that we're all still back at the bar. So Obi-wan decides to go see a librarian_

**Obi-wan:**

Uh, should we let the audience know that you're actually a Jedi too?

**Librarian:**

No, that will take more time out of the _three hours_ the audience will have to sit through this movie. Now what do you want?

**Obi-wan:**

I can't find a planet in your archives

**Librarian:**

Than it's obviously not a planet, duh. 

****

**Obi-wan:**

Oh, you've been such a help. Thanks.

****

**Child in the back:**

Do I serve any purpose in this movie?

_Back to Amidala's pad, gah! _

**Amidala:**

You can have my job, Jar Jar. Just don't screw up.

**Jar Jar:**

Messa work very hard!

**Audience:**

What moron thought it was a good idea to give him actual power? 

**Amidala:**

Now Anakin and I must pretend to be refugees. 

**Anakin:**

Yeah, I'm sure we'll blend in perfectly

_We enter the refugee boat or ship or…whatever! _

**Amidala:**

Let's go over the movie tagline, shall we? A Jedi shall know no anger, nor hatred, nor….

**Anakin**:

More fries?

**R2D2:**

Beep beep whoop beepidy whoop! (What? I can't eat human foods? Discrimination I say!)

_We finally reach Naboo, and are forced to watch Anakin spout every cheesy love cliché he can think of_

**Audience:**

Been there. Done that. Used it. Heard that.

**Anakin:**

I hate sand. It's dumb. It's not like you, you're smooth.

**Audience:**

Well,  we never heard _that_ before

_Anakin shows off some more by trying to ride a Tick/Cow, then faking he was dead_

**Audience:**

We're not fooled, Ani

**Amidala:**

Oh, but I am!

_Anakin laughs and then they roll around_

**Audience:**

Rolling in the grass is a gas. Baby, can you dig it?

_But enough of that, back to Jedi Daycare with Yoda (_A/N: Thanks Evadne)

**Audience:**

So, since by the time Luke is 18 he will be the only Jedi left, all these kids will die before they reach 20?

**Obi-wan:**

Despite my many years as a Jedi and my training, I can't figure out why the freakin' planet isn't there!

**Yoda:**

Smart, you are not. Ask a child, we will

**Audience:**

A child? A CHILD!?!

**Jedi Kid:**

Is this a rhetorical question or do you guys really not know the answer?

_Silence_

**Jedi Kid:**

_Sighs_The planet was probably removed from the charts by a former Jedi , duh.

**Obi-wan:**

Oh, I never could have guessed. Must run…

_Back to watching Anakin stalk Amidala, but this time in a REALLY DARK ROOM_

**Anakin:**

Stop ignoring the obvious! It's making me sick!

**Amidala:**

Am I the only one here who's a tad uncomfortable?

**Female Audience:**

Throws their arms in the airand she picked tonight of all nights to wear something sexy.

**Male Audience:**

We have no problem with it

**Amidala:**

Okay, fine! I love you, but we should forget about it or it will destroy us.

**Anakin:**

Okay.

**Audience:**

What?! After all that flirting and leering?

_Anakin has more dreams about his mother, which is just an excuse to show him with his shirt off_

**Anakin:**

Oh, I guess I should go find my mother

A/N: Forgive me if I screw up somewhere, I've only seen this movie twice. Enjoying it so far? Correct me if I'm wrong anywhere. Will update soon


	3. Part Three

A/N: Okay, one of my reviewers has left me a review that he or she obviously expects me to answer. So here goes…

I've checked my parody over and over and not once did I mention that I hated Star Wars. I don't, honestly, I happen to think that the special effects were cool. Remember folks: When you parody a movie it does not mean you HATE IT

Disclaimer: Let me check…nope, not mine.

On to El Camino A.K.A a very stormy Water World

**George Lucas:**

Ha ha! Marvel at my superior technology! Take that Harry Potter!

****

**Audience:**

We get it Lucas, shut up.

**Taun We:**

Your clones are ready

**Obi-wan:**

What?

**Taun We:**

Your clones

**Obi-wan:**

Who?

**Taun We:**

Those clones you ordered for the republic army

**Obi-wan:**

Oh yeah! Sure _Thank the Force this planet is run by idiots_

**Lama Su:**

Send in the Clones!

**Obi-wan:**

Say, are you walking this slowly on purpose to annoy me?

**Taun-We:**

Want to meet our clone supervisor? Never mind where we found him.

**Jango Fett:**

Let me stare at you in an odd and ambiguous way even though I've never met you before in my life.

_We cut to Boba Fett with an annoyed/angry expression on his face_

**Audience:**

Do you think his parents beat him when he smiled?

**Obi-wan:**

Well, nice to meet you. Buh-bye

_Our favorite bounty hunter's dad and our favorite bounty hunter try to leave but Obi-wan shows up just in time and picks a fight with him. Our favorite bounty hunter's dad proves once and for all to the audience that the jet pack IS USELESS_

**Obi-wan:**

Convenient that I always carry tracking devices with me

**Jango Fett:**

Convenient that I don't notice when they're thrown on to my ship

_Meanwhile we go to Tatooine so we can all find out that Watto is still a pain in the neck_

**Anakin:**

Oh, give me that! I'm gone for ten years and I still have to do everything! Where's mom?

**Watto:**

Your mother was sold to some guy name Lars and he married her. Thus ends my short cameo.

_Our two heroes go to an oddly familiar home/igloo_

**Lars:**

Your mother disappeared a month ago and thirty of us went looking for her, only five of us came back. Most likely she's dead.

**Audience:**

Excellent timing Anakin

**Anakin:**

I must go look for her so I can get angry and reveal the evil in me

_Anakin hijacks a hover bike and conveniently knows where the sand people live. To prove his brilliant timing once again, Anakin shows up TWENTY SECONDS BEFORE SHE DIES_

**Shmi:**

Remember to eat your vegetables and don't go over to the dark side now. I…love….

_She dies. The audience is either dead silent or laughing_

**Anakin:**

Okay, now I'm pissed!

_Anakin takes his lightsaber and fries a bunch of sand people_

**Audience:**

So thirty men go to find Shmi and only five survive but the All-Mighty Anakin can just hack away and not get a scratch?

**Anakin**:

_Killing sand people_ That's right, wait your turn. One at a time please, thank you.

_Back at the oddly familiar place_

**Anakin:**

Amidala, I've just murdered a bunch of people…_grrr_! Obi-wan is such a jerk! Gah!

**Amidala:**

I'm not affected by this in any way

**Anakin:**

Now I must look pained and tormented.

_Obi-wan advances the plot further by following Jango Fett and his little clone….I mean son_

**Obi-wan:**

Hmmm, it probably would have been wiser to wait until Jango actually landed on the planet so he wouldn't see me. Oh well.

**Jango:**

Let me shoot at you and destroy everything but. Dead yet? Good, on we go.

****

**Obi-wan:**

Thank goodness for asteroids the size of Texas, now I can approach the planet safely.

_Obi-wan waltzes into the evil compound completely unnoticed and manages to overhear the bad guys conversations with Dooku_

**Audience:**

Better timing than our friend Ani

**Obi-wan:**

Oh, I guess he's the Jedi who hid the planet and tried to kill Amidala. Never could have picked that up in a million years!

(A/N: I totally forgot to mention Dooku. My bad. Sorry!)

****

**Audience:**

Did I miss something here? Dooku? Since when did we hit Sesame Street?

**Dooku:**

I heard that _to bad guys_ We shall join together and separate from the Republic. Why? Because we're evil, that's why.

**Obi-wan:**

Oh, I guess I should tell someone before I'm captured by the Battle Bots.

_Obi-wan makes his report to the council through Anakin because his communications technology is conveniently disabled. When he's finished the Battle Bots take their cue and capture him_

**Audience:**

Ooh! That totally wasn't predictable!

Council Meeting

**Mace Windu:**

Well, I guess this means we should do something. But not you, Anakin. Sit! Stay!

**Senator Palpatine:**

Say Jar Jar, wanna ask the senate to give me more power so I can establish the evil Empire and leave you guys in the dust?

**Jar Jar:**

No problem!

**Senate:**

We're for it. We trust you completely

**Senator Palpatine:**

And that's a good thing

_Back on Tatooine_

**Anakin:**

Oh no! I must choose now of all times to obey!

**Amidala:**

Oh for the love of…!

_The duo head for the CGI planet, dragging C3-PO and R2-D2 with them_

_Meanwhile in Dooku's prison_

**Audience:**

You know, those restraining devices would have been really helpful during the Princess Leia incident

**Dooku:**

Join me or die

**Obi-wan:**

And you expect me to say yes?

**Dooku:**

Not really, it's more of an evil-villian-tradition type thing

_Anakin and Amidala sneak into the compound completely unnoticed_, _sure_

**Audience:**

Haven't these people heard of security systems?

_Oddly enough, the walls move_

**Audience:**

Uh…guys? Look on the walls...Hello?

_Mosquitoes attack Anakin, Amidala, and the bots and we're heaved into a humorous (not) scene with C3-P0, an action scene with Anakin, and a clichéd scene with Amidala as she gets shoved into a giant cement cup with no real purpose of being there except to nearly kill people_

**Amidala:**

Oh my, what's a girl to do?

**Audience:**

Jump, climb, do anything but just stand there!

****

**C3-PO:**

AHAHAHAHAHA! I'm comic relief! AHAHAHAHAHA!

_Anakin shows his outstanding timing once again by getting his arm welded to some huge metal thing, then manages to escape_

**Audience:**

Wait, how'd he do that?

_R2-D2 demonstrates that technology in Star Wars diminishes over time with his handy jet lifts_

**Audience:**

I can't even begin to count how many times that would have been useful in the original trilogy.

_R2-D2 saves Amidala seconds who away from a horrible fiery death, but it doesn't matter as they all get captured anyway. Now we've been thrown into the movie Gladiator. Anakin and Amidala wait to be totted into the coliseum_

**Amidala:**

I love you Anakin, I'm sorry I called you that stupid nickname.

**Anakin:**

I love you to. But I thought if we loved each other it would destroy us.

**Audience:**

Apparently it will

_Amidala and Anakin get chained up next to Obi-wan. And the mosquitoes go wild! _

**Obi-wan:**

Hello again. We're about to be killed by a giant kitty, a bull, and a praying mantis, but I can still be humorous. 

**Dooku:**

We could just kill them now but entertainment is our number one priority here at Evil Corp!

_Being the only captive with a clue, Amidala picks the lock to her chains and climbs to the only place where she has less room to maneuver_

**Amidala:**

Now, why did I go up here again?

_Kitty rips off the midsection of her outfit, as would be expected_

**Female Audience:**

_throw their arms in the air_ Gah!

_Obi-wan and Anakin also get free and beat the crap out of their animals, but only the Bull decides to behave_

**Dooku:**

I so did not see that coming!

_Mace Windu appears miraculously along with the other Jedi's, so the fight begins_

**Half the audience:**

Who's da man, who would risk his life for his Jedi-brother?

**Other Half:**

Mace!

**Audience 1:**

That Mace is one bad mother—

****

**Audience 2:**

Shut yo mouth!

**Audience 1:**

I'm just talking about Mace, can ya dig it?

_Jango Fett arrives and kills a bunch of people. The Jedi don't look like they're doing any better than when they started. Mace cuts off Jango's head to give Boba motive for revenge in the future_

_Battle bots surround the Jedi_

**Mace:**

Well, this didn't turn out at all like I planned

**Dooku:**

Become our hostages or die

**Jedi's:**

Never!

_The Jedi are about to die….but wait! Yoda shows up and saves the day_!

**Lucas:**

Like the spiffy uniforms for the clones? Reminds you of something, don't it?

**Audience:**

No! Bad!

_Stormtroopers beat the crap out of the battle bots. Dooku escapes and Anakin, Obi-wan, and Amidala follow. But the evil guys actually manage to hit them  so Amidala falls out of the side_

**Anakin:**

Amidala! Forget the evil guy, we must go check on my girlfriend!

****

**Obi-wan:**

Quit whining and shut up!

_Dooku does some major foreshadowing to save time._

_ Anakin, Obi-wan, and Dooku engage in the best light saber battle ever. But that unfortunately comes to a stop when Dooku chops Anakin's arm off_

**Audience:**

Do I detect a recurring theme here? Lucas must love robotic arms.

_Dooku also kicks Obi-wan's butt and prepares to leave…but wait!  Yoda shows up! _

**Dooku:**

I can't talk now, I'm late for a meeting with Sauron.

**Yoda:**

Too bad!

_Yoda kicks some serious derriere, Audience rejoices_

**Audience:**

YES! Sitting through all the sappy clichés and romance was so totally worth it!

**Yoda:**

Welcome, you are. Save the movie, I did!

**Dooku:**

_Forces Yoda save his students_ I'm leaving. Tee hee, I'm evil!

_Dooku talks with Darth Sidious on some random planet_

**Dooku:**

We bad!

**Sidious:**

Yeah, we bad!

_Back to Amidala's other pad. They get married, Lucas shows off his love for robotic arm technology_

**Amidala:**

_sighs_ Ahh, my life is perfect. My new husband is perfect.

**Audience:**

Yeah, well you won't think he's so great in a year or so

_The Clone Wars begin, FINALLY! We watch them go on the march as they have nothing better to do_

**Audience:**

So, all stormtroopers are clones then?

**Lucas:**

Makes sense to me

_blah blah blah **FORESHADOWING** blah blah blah **FORESHODOWING** blah blah blah_

THE END 

**A/N**: You like? Thanks to the people who reviewed for my parody. You're super! Also, special thanks to Evadne and it's my recommendation that you all read her stuff because she's hilarious. I heard Qui-Gon's voice in the middle of the lightsaber fight, supposedly giving away a plot point in episode three. I heard the voice but I couldn't make out the words. Does anyone know what he's saying? 

 I'm thinking I'll do X-Men next, let me know what you think.


End file.
